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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    HUH! Who needs Security Services?

    Like the police,! I guess, she feels they are never around when you want them! [Bless her] View attachment 10834
     

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    Jack Peterson, Jun 25, 2014
    #2331
  2. robert k

    robert k DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Veteran Army

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    I guess the guys with the same idea who preceded these guys have long since been swept up in a dustbin.
     
    robert k, Jun 25, 2014
    #2332
  3. Dave_Hounddriver

    Dave_Hounddriver DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster

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    A seven year old boy was at the centre of a
    courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged
    a court ruling over who should have custody of
    him.
    The boy has a history of being beaten by his
    parents and the judge initially awarded custody to
    his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and
    regulations requiring that family unity be
    maintained to the degree possible.
    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed
    that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
    he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
    judge suggested that he live with his
    grandparents, the boy cried out that they also
    beat him.
    After considering the remainder of the immediate
    family and learning that domestic violence was
    apparently a way of life among them, the judge
    took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy
    to propose who should have custody of him.
    After two recesses to check legal references and
    confer with child welfare officials, the judge
    granted temporary custody to the England Football
    team, whom the boy firmly believes are not
    capable of beating anyone.
     
    Dave_Hounddriver, Jun 28, 2014
    #2333
  4. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    Jack Peterson, Jun 29, 2014
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  5. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    An army special forces platoon was on patrol when they noticed a lone recon marine standing on a hill top in their area. The lt told two of his sf men to go take out that man. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the recon marine. Just before they got to the top, the recon marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two army sf followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the recon marine came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his boonies hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the sf platoon. The lt, pissed, called for a squad to go get that marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the recon marine. Just before they got to the top, the recon marine ran over the other side of the hill. The sf squad followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the recon marine came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his boonies hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the sf platoon. The lt was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the recon marine. Determined that the sf platoon was far superior to the one recon marine they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the recon marine ran over the other side of the hill. The sf platoon followed. For many miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone army sf soldier crawling back to the lt., all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His bdu's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The lt. asked for a sit.rep.

    The lone sf soldier, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice "Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
     
    PatO, Jun 29, 2014
    #2335
  6. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    The teacher in a tough East London school was marking the attendance register. She called Billy's name and he answered "here Miss". Teacher looked up and said "you were absent from school yesterday Billy, why was that ?"
    "Sorry 'bout that Miss" said Billy, "I couldn't come to school yesterday coz me Dad got burnt".
    "Oh dear" said the teacher "I hope he gets better soon".
    "You're joking ain't you Miss" said Billy, "they don't p*ss about at the crematorium".
     
    Broadside, Jul 1, 2014
    #2336
  7. mokum

    mokum DI Senior Member

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    mokum, Jul 1, 2014
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  8. Jack Peterson

    Jack Peterson DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster SC Connoisseur Veteran Air Force

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    Is it a joke, No, Is it a Quote NO, Ther'e Rules LOL

    :eek: You will like these, norra lot but you will, smile, I feel it! :rolleyes: View attachment 10954



    JP
     

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    Jack Peterson, Jul 2, 2014
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  9. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    The seven degrees of blondness

    FIRST DEGREE

    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.


    The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

    The husband said, 'Who was that?'

    The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



    SECOND DEGREE

    Two blondes are walking down the street.

    One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

    She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

    The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

    The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


    THIRD DEGREE

    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

    She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

    Well, the blonde is really angry.

    She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

    She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



    FOURTH DEGREE


    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

    She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

    A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

    The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'




    FIFTH DEGREE


    Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

    A: 'Is it mine?'



    SIXTH DEGREE


    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.

    The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

    Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'



    SEVENTH DEGREE

    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

    She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.


    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

    I call the police for help, and what do they do?

    They send me a BLIND policeman!'




    EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:


    Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

    "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.

    "Do what?" asked #2 Blonde ..

    "Send my lawn out to be mowed."
     
    Charlie, Jul 3, 2014
    #2339
  10. oztony

    oztony DI Senior Member Blood Donor

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    oztony, Jul 4, 2014
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