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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress
    I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.


    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

    I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.
     
  2. oztony

    oztony DI Senior Member Blood Donor

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  3. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    Builder in Hell

    A builder dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place."

    So the builder reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the builder gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts making improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the builder is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an builder? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having a builder on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
     
  4. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    A Contractor in Heaven


    A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

    Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

    "Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor

    "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

    "But that's not true," says the contractor. "I only lived to be forty."

    "That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets!"
     
  5. ShawnM

    ShawnM DI Forum Patron ★★ Forum Sponsor ★★ ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    Practical Carpet Layer


    One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

    He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him a pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

    "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet..."
     
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    NORWEGIAN VIRGIN
    Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... Right in his crotch.



    Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”






    The doctor told him, “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”





    He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.





    Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth ....



    That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

    She said: “Olof.. You're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”



    Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!”


















     
  7. Eaglescout

    Eaglescout DI Junior Member

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    Chicken Farmer

    A woman walked into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...
    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
    "What's your occupation?"
    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
    "No, that still won't work. Try again."
    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."
    "Chicken Farmer it is."
     
  8. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Jesus Loves You - the last words you want to hear whispered in a Mexican prison.
     
  9. mokum

    mokum DI Senior Member

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    An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t*ts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
    View attachment 11078
     

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  10. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    How a real man uses a Post-it-Note

    How a real man uses a Post-it-Note:
     

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