Where's the humor on here?

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the
middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I
knew I made it home OK!

--------------------------------------------------

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a
sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions
for her part.

----------------------------------------------------

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap
could spell disaster.

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the
wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once
she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Stuff it,
soldier on!"

------------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was
wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the
kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I
remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

-------------------------------------------------------

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept
with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

--------------------------------------------------------

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door,
she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@st@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

INTERGALACTIC ALIENS

A UFO with two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the very old gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed off at t he pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!” The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.” He then walked off to watch the encounter from a safe distance. “Rubbish,” yelled the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him, burnt and smoking, about 200 yards away into a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. “What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He d*mn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?� � The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

 

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'

 

yeah I can see this going the wrong way !! *LOL*

View attachment 11606

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)


**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

*************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

******** ******************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************


At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

Paddy rang the fire station , can you come quick my house is on fire, fireman yes were do you live sir? paddy 4 smith st fireman what is the quickest way to get there? paddy WHY don't you have your big red truck any more ?

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'


THERE'S MORE. ...


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


IT IS NOT OVER YET....


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'

 

> Aussie Helpline
>
>
>
>
> The slow ones (Oztralians) might need to read this a couple of times.
>
>
> "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
>
> "I'm in Darwin with me sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,and now her p*ssy has completely closed up."
>
> "Bummer mate!"
>
> "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

 

An Arab family was considering
putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing
home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they
had to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they
came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like
it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is
so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from
everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how
wonderfully they treat the residents'',
Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here-- he's 85
years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20
years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!


There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years
old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years
and everyone still calls him 'Your
Honor'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He
hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone
still calls him Doctor?!
And me --

"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The f*cking Arab".

 

You might not be old enough to agree with this ..but if your lucky ..someday you will !!


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