Where's the humor on here?

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your t*ts, ye bloody
penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know
who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye
little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that
cross enough?"

 

LEROY'S HEARING

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with
'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the
front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole
congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

 

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

bbhahhahahahhahah keep em coming dave

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is
my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you
could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents
taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f*ck I am now...

 

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

Please note that Imp is available to perform Cat Scans on any dead animals for the normal professional fees.

 

Boy, my olympic condoms arrived today i think i wear the gold one tonight. Girl, why dont you wear silver and come second for a change

 

A man walked up tp a guy in a bar and said i had sex with your mum it was great , every one steped back excepting all hell to break loose,the guy took no notice and just kept drinking. the man wandered out only to return an hour later. He walked up to the same guy and said i just had sex with your mum again ha ha ha the guy looked up and said GO HOME DAD YOUR DRUNK

 

Must be Pension day all round Today, judging by the amount of Shoppers of the older set in Hypermart and Robinsons, YUP Mine too.

JP But it's all Fun Aye? eeeeeeeeee but there were some Cracking lookers too