Where's the humor on here?

*Slips of the Tongue*

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

 

Timeline Photos - WPLR 99.1 New Haven | Facebook

This is supposed to be an Irish drinking joke taken from my face book.
I don't know if it's gonna display correctly. (grumble).

 

Every year Bill and Mary went to the air show every year Bill wants to ride in a helicopter Mary said but Bill its 50 dollars thats a lot of money but mary i am 85 i may never get another chance, no Bill 50 bucks is 50 bucks.The pilot heard them talking and said ill take you both for free if you dont make a sound till we are back on the ground but if you make a sound you have to pay me 100 dollars, the agree off they went the pilot every trick he knew to get them to call out but not a sound from eather of them .Back on the ground the pilot said well you win i was sure you would have said something , bill replyed i nearly did when mary fell out but 50 bucks is 50 bucks

 

A man was at a grave yard in front of a tombstone.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by came next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man.
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously.

"He was my wife's first husband!"

 

I know we try to answer a lot of questions on here, but these are the questions for the older generation, you always want to ask but were afraid because the Asawa may be around.

Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's @ss all the way to Egypt..."

Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q:How can a young lady increase the heart rate of her over-60 year-old BF?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them in Dumaguete?
A:Try the National Bookstore, under scamers. Or go to" Why Not", and hang a 1000 P bill out of your pocket.. they will find you.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of seeing the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses, or stop looking in the mirror.

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use Valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they parked their car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.

Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

 

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

That happened to me one time, my future x-wife slapped me when I tried one of my old pick-up lines on her in a club... hell... how did I know it was her, she was with another man?....

 

You probably never noticed this with all the noise going on. What were you doing at 3 AM?


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