Where's the humor on here?

I'm laughing so hard I think I injured myself....

Good one IO!

 

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.

Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:



Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...

Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam.
Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo.

Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene.

Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang
mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.

Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume.


Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.

Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.

Isang dosenang Wonder bra (Victoria's Secret ata ang tatak)gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay.

May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.

Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay suot- suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.

Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito.

Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang email ko.
Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.


Nagmamahal,
Bebeng

 

The Post Above

Sorry it's in Tagalog, but the humor would be lost if I tried to translate it.

 

what is hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

 

Pinoy X POEM

(for the pinoys in the house)

Fog must done knew see loom men,
Sue saw knee ah mall lock key
Food die knee ah mass seek keep
See loom men pin nap ant ash ah knee land dough.

Eat two see land dough,
Goose tow last fog in see loom men
At deal a an food die knee loom men.

Ease sang gab be, knee ya ya knee land dough
see loom men mug can two tan
Goose tow knee loom men mass are rap at mall lock
king tea tea knee land dough,
At sob beak see loom men tick man tea tea knee
land dough
At see land dough see knee seep sip mall lock king
sue saw knee loom men.

Gee knock call knee loom men see land dough
Knee love bus sun see land dough
Pear row be thin see loom meen
At two me tea lay, "Ease up ah!"

:D :D :D

 

HEHEHEHE I just can't help laughing by myself. It is so funny, you are right filipina42. Although my dialect is bisayan, but I can understand tagalog as I've learned it in school as subject filipino language. I was laughing while reading the joke (still laughing while typing.). Could not get over how funny this joke is. hehehe.:D. I'll print this, if I may, and have my friends read and laugh until they pass out..heeehehe . Thanks.

 

Sure Swany! Nice to be assured that Filipinas are the first to laugh at themselves

 

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with
$10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
and the keys to a brand new
Corvette Z06."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have
to drink that entire liter
of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a
face while doing it."

"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth
with your bare hands."

"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make
things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those other
things.."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
" Where ez zat tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
stream down both cheeks,
but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon
the
people inside the bar
hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull
barking, the guy screaming,
the pit bull yelping and then. . .silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt
ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Noooow," he slurs, . . . "Where's the old broad with the bad tooth?"

 

Nice one Melvin! That's a classic :D

 

Working smarter not harder :D

On Dec. 10, 1968, a uniformed man pulled over a bank car in Tokyo. He explained that police had received a warning that dynamite had been planted in the vehicle, which was transporting bonuses for local Toshiba employees. The four passengers got out and watched as the officer crawled underneath.

After a moment he rolled out, shouting that the car was about to explode. When the passengers ran, he got in and drove off.

Thus one man stole 294,307,500 yen in broad daylight, working alone and without harming anyone. It remains the largest single heist in Japanese history. The thief was never caught.