Where's the humor on here?

I have a new long term girl friend... well two days now since I did not give her trike money to go home the first night.

But the situation reminded me of married life, which was so frustrating. Communication was always the problem. In the first few months of marriage, I would speak and the wife would listen. In the next few months the wife spoke and the I would listens. After a few more months, we both yelled and the neighbors would listen. and then of coarse the neighbors would speak and the world would listen... Dumaguete the Gossip center of the world.

If I only could live up to my crazy reputation, life would be so much more fun.

 

Oooooooooooops Sorry just couldn't resist this one.



OK I know close the door on your way out!

JP

 

A true attorney story which I find funny. As anyone know from the US who has worked with attorneys knows , the response to questions are always suppose to be brief as possible. The questions require foundation of will be challenged by the opposing attorney or judge. The way this concept is taught in law school is to use a case as an example. Here is the example:

A defendant's attorney was questioning an eye witness who had claimed his client had bite off another man's ear.

The first question: Did you see my client bite off the injured man's ear?

The short answer by the witness: No

The follow up question by the defendant's attorney, which should have never been asked was: How do you know my client bite off the injured man's ear?

The witness longer answer: I saw him spit the injured mans ear out of his mouth.

The moral of the story is you need to know the answers, and quit while you are ahead when asking questions in a court of law.

 

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: "Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): "Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?"

Bob: "Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company."

Bob got his desired raise.

 

I was telling a young nicely shaped lady in Why Not about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied. We both had a feeling of disappointment when it was determined I was wrong....

But at least later I realized that I had felt 30 seconds of pure Joy... or was her name April..?.

 

There are many reasons to be a Catholic in the Philippines:

A Nun was driving the church van when it ran out of gas about a mile from a gas station, so she decided to walk to the gas station to get some gas but didn't have a gas can . But she did find a bed pan in the van that she could use. So, she got the bed pan and walked to the gas station, filled it up and walked back to the van.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two men in a truck drove by. One said to the other, "Man, if that works, I'm turning Catholic!"

Thank God she was not driving van that ran on "solid fuel". That would have been "shitty".

 

Bob,a handsome expat dude, walked into the WOW Sports Bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a cute buxom Filipina at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a one story building preparing to jump.
The cute Filipina looked at Bob, batted her eyes and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The cute Filipina replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a 500 Pesos bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the cute Filipina placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death by landing on the street and having a trike run over him. The Filipina was very upset, but willingly handed her 500 Pesos to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,"I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The Filipina replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money..

 

Finding one of his students making faces at others on
the playground, Mr.. Wedge stopped to gently reprove the
child.

Smiling sweetly, the plumbing teacher said,
"Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly
faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mr. Wedge, you can't
say you weren't warned."

 

Nobody considered the sun when they built the bridge.

Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located?

'SAINT PETER'S BASILICA' Now, I don't care who you are, THAT'S funny!!...

 

somebody cocked up