Where's the humor on here?

I guess there is a lesson for all here.



JP

 

That's some right Elbow you have there Young man Perchance "Wrestler" in your spare time?

JP

 

Claude the Hypnotist at a Seniors Home:

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center,

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"sh*t" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again!

 

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

No.6 was always challenging - but I 'aint getting any younger.
Soon, i'll just be pleased I got there in time!!

 

IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF NORTH KOREA you get 12 years hard labour.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF IRAN you will be tortured and detained indefinitely.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF AFGHANISTAN you get shot.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF SAUDI ARABIA you will be jailed.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF CHINA you may never be heard from again.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF VENEZUELA you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF CUBA you will be thrown into a political prison to rot.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF THE US you simply get thrown out.
IF YOU ILLEGALLY CROSS THE BORDER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM you get a job, a drivers licence, pension, welfare, credit cards, subsidised rent or a loan to buy a house, free education and free health care!

 

(TIP: Read out loud)
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
Great! - Fa Kin Su Pah!
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
He's cleaning his car - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu fat
It s very dark In here - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Phew! Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Ting!!
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum.