Where's the humor on here?

Talking of Flowcharts.

 

One for the Animal Lovers ( But it could apply to any of us!)



guess who is in a good mood this morning?

JP
[DOUBLEPOST=1430788347,1430788055][/DOUBLEPOST]The Art of boxing they say, Is to start them Young.

 

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

 

Not that Filipina's are gullible but...

Earlier this month we had a Pacquiao vs Mayweather viewing party at our house here in the US. But because we were also celebrating some birthdays AND the Kentucky Derby was the same day, we started rather early in the afternoon. So as the evening wore on, there were groans from some of the Filipinas in attendance when we told them the main event would not be airing until about 11:00 PM on the US east coast. They were afraid they might have to miss the fight to get young children home to bed or get ready for work the next day.

"Not to worry", I said, "since the Philippines is 11 time zones ahead, it's already morning there and the fight results must be all over the morning news." Several of the gals actually reached for their cell phones and started texting relatives back home before they caught on!

 

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: "How many children do you have?” He answered: "12 children”.

The agent asked "Where are the others? The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother”.

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words.

 

A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who continually screamed for candy and cookies. But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."

The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror continued his bad conduct by throwing items out of the shopping cart, but the Grandfather remained steady and said in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the little boy into the car. She said. "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William certainly is lucky to have you as his grandfather.”
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I am William. This little b@st@rd's name is Kevin."
[DOUBLEPOST=1433332375,1433332337][/DOUBLEPOST]A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes." "What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?" "What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as... a human being?" "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people." "Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!" "You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist, embarrassed, begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this!" "I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."

 

A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who continually screamed for candy and cookies. But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."

The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror continued his bad conduct by throwing items out of the shopping cart, but the Grandfather remained steady and said in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the little boy into the car. She said. "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William certainly is lucky to have you as his grandfather.”
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I am William. This little b@st@rd's name is Kevin."