Where's the humor on here?

1. 
   
   
   
   Dale King
   21 October · Enid, OK, United States ·
   
   
   Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
   
   When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
   
   Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.
   
   When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
   
   I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
   
   They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
   

 

Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the sh*t out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the sh*t out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims."

 

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2014 back from the Australian Tax Office and it puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question, "List all your dependants?"
I replied, "100,000 Muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 10,000 crack heads in rehab; 1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work, 25,000 people in prison, 3,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday, 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!!
They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.
SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE F..K DID I MISS"?

 

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife
asked,

"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? "Your toes look all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had Tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off is pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles, "he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

 

This blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.

A man called her and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive."

He said, "How many feet?"

She said "None..it's a bloody Snake"!

 

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husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That's him in Aisle 5!

 

I was standing in a queue, in front of me was a fat lady with a huge arse her phone start to bleep the kid next to me said, fk me she is reversing.

 

Thanks Alex. I can almost always get a good laugh reading your funnies! Well done mate!

DaveD

P.s. you may owe me a new keyboard as the coffee came spewing out my nose! Just kidding!