Where's the humor on here?

A Swaledale Sheep farmer was out on his quad attending to his flock in a field near to his farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW raced down the lane towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The Swaledale farmer looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Aye aye, why not"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a mobile phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"Dam, that is correct; take one of my sheep, as I have promised you boy" said the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the farmer says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a management consultant." said the Sheep Farmer.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required boy" answers the farmer. "You turned up here although nobody bloody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already bloody knew, to a question I never bloody asked, and you don't know bugger all about my business. Now give me back my dog!"

 

The Australian government's new symbol is that of a condom because it more accurately reflects its political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed

 

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

 

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DIARY OF A POM(PRISONER OF MOTHER ENGLAND) IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
- This wind is a b@st@rd.
It feels like a giant fkn blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fkn air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fkn air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
bloody thief.
November 8
- If one more smart b@st@rd says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to throttle him.
Fkn heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking and wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fkn place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my bloody arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fkn recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and f*cking sunny.
It never changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this d*mn fkn place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the bloody pool.
The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f*cking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 ' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the car up his arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Stuff Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
WTF

 

A man walked into a brothel & asked the mamasan for the dirtiest nastiest b*tch she has.
Seeing her puzzled look he replied..."i dont want to have sex with her...i am just homesick"

 

A taliban soldier was fleeing the american troops across the desert & was extremely thirsty.
Seeing something up in the distance he headed toward it hoping it would lead to water.
As he approached he encountered a jewish man selling ties.
Hey infidel he shouted do you have water???
No the jewish man replied...only fine silk ties...only $5.
You crazy infidel the arab shouted i don't want ties i want water.
The jewish man replied...even though you insulted me i cannot let one of god's children die...there is a fine restaurant just over that hill with wonderful food & plenty of ice cold water.
The arab raced over the hill...crawling back three hours later.
Could'nt you find the restaurant?...said the jewish man.
Yes muttered the arab....but they would'nt let me in without a tie.

 

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops off at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie ..

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal”.

The truckie replies, “I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick