Where's the humor on here?

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped
in at Flips to see some friends and have
some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends
asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck
in an elevator with.
I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

 

A cop pulled up a car with 5 old lady,s in it , madam your driving to slow,( lady) im doing 33 mile an hour like the sigh says, ( cop) that says hwy 33 not the speed you are to drive at, are the other lady,s ok they are very white, they will be ok we just got off hwy. 105

 

4 old ladies met at a 50 years anniversary school reunion ..While one lady went to get food the 3 talked about how successful there sons had become .........lady 1 .."my son became a wealthy banker and gave his best friend a Ferrari ....lady 2 ..."my son became a pilot and now he owns an airline ...he gave his friend a helicopter" ...lady 3 ..."my son became a wealthy developer and gave his FRIEND a house."...........just then lady 4 returned with the food ..........her friends were curious about what her son did .......<"oh,my son is gay " she replied ..."he works in a gay bar "..............."oh,,you must be disappointed "" the 3 exclaimed ,,,,,,,,,,,,"no.,not at all" she answered ..."his friends gave him a Ferrari,,a helicopter and a house ""

 

Australia's Page
11 hrs ·
If

 

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....

And there's one named "The Sheep Dog" - it rounds them up and points them in the right direction

 

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for some time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, an how I can make a woman truly happy!" The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or 4 lanes in your brdige

 

Why Condoms comes in 3, 6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

 

coppied from FB

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

 

Ok now we need an emoticon for a GROAN. :-) :-) :-)