Where's the humor on here?

Duterte's new Limo has been approved...

 

Amusing video some of the "Older Ladies" may relate to jeje

 

A pair lies in the bed.
The phone rings.
The woman picks the phone and says after a short moment: OK.
The man ask: Who was that?
The woman: That was my husband telling me that he will coming later because he is drinking beer with you!

 

(Hope this has not appeared before): A man walks into a bar in Oz with a live crocodile under his arm. He asks the customers "If I put my [censored] in the crocs mouth for 2 minutes and it does not get bitten off, will you each buy me a pint". They all eagerly agree and wait to see the carnage. The man puts his [censored] in the croc's mouth, waits 2 minutes and then violently hits the croc over the head with a glass bottle. The croc opens its mouth and the man pulls his unharmed [censored] out. They all pay for a pint for him. The bartender likes this entertainment and asks if anyone else will do it ... there is silence, until a young blonde Sheila says "I will, but please don't hit me so hard over the head".

 

What makes locals laugh:

 

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and St Peter tells them they each have to answer a question correctly to gain entry. He asks the first nun to name who killed Goliath. She thought for a minute and said "David". Bells rang, whistles blew and the Gates flew open and she entered. Then he asked the second nun, "Who got swallowed by a whale?" She thought for a minute then said "Jonah". Bells rang, whistles blew and the Gates flew open and she entered. Then he turned to the third nun and said, "What is the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" She thought and thought and then said, "hmmmmm, that's a hard one". Bells rang, whistles blew and the Gates flew open.

 

I trust that if this is too risque it will be deleted.
This fellow goes in to the druggist and asks for Viagra. The druggist says, sorry but that is only by prescription. The guy begs and begs and says, "Listen, I have three girls coming over in a while and I am not as young as I used to be and I really need this stuff." The druggist finally says, "OK, I can't sell it to you but I can give it to you. Here, you can have three tablets, take one now and save the others." The guy grabs them and pops all three into his mouth at once and swallows them. He leaves. He comes into the drugstore the next day and looks like he has been dragged by wild horses. He has aged 15 years. The druggist looks at him and exclaims, "MY GOD, What happened to you? You look terrible!!!!!" The guy says, "That's nothing, look at this." He pulls his private part out and it looks like raw hamburger meat. The druggist is in shock. He says, "Man, that has got to hurt something awful!!" The guy says, "Yes it does. Have you got any Ben Gay?" The druggist loudly says, "Man you can't put Ben Gay on that, it will kill you." The guy says "No man, the Ben Gay is for my ARMS, those three girls didn't show up."

 

In the USA the country folks in the South always ask the preacher over for dinner on Sunday. The fare is usually fried chicken. This one family asked the preacher at their church over one Sunday and he accepted and went to their farm. As he entered the house he came in to see several tables all filled with different types of cooked chicken. Chicken and Dumplings, Fried Chicken, Roasted Chicken, Grilled Chicken, Baked Chicken, Chicken Pot Pie and more. Well any preacher in the South can eat his weight in chicken so he tried all the types they had. He had never eaten so much chicken in his life and he really got his fill. Well, as is the custom, once they got done with dessert, everyone retired to the large front porch and sat talking and looking out over the front yard. After sitting for a few minutes, all of a sudden this chicken came running across the yard faster than he had ever seen a chicken run. The chicken ran around the house three times and then all of a sudden stopped and fell over dead. The preacher turned to his host and said, "What's wrong with that chicken?" The host said, "I don't know but they are dying faster than we can cook them."

 

For the Golfers
This fellow was putting out on number 18 green. All of a sudden his wife comes speeding up and drives right up onto the green and jumps out and starts shouting and cursing at him for sneaking off to play golf. He grabs a 5 iron out of his bag and wacks her over the head many times and she falls dead onto the green. The police are called and he just stands there, still angry. The detective shows up, examines the lady and turns to the husband and says, "Mr. Smith, it appears that you have killed your wife by taking a 5 iron and striking her in the head 6 times.". Mr Smith says, "Yes officer, I did, but listen........... could you put me down for a 4?"

 

Absolute True Story
Friend of mine hauls cattle in an 18 wheeler, 50 foot cattle trailer. He goes through the State Highway Scale and they have him pull to the side. Seems like he is 2000 pounds over on one axle. He asked and they said yes, actually he is light by roughly the same amount on another axle. He jumps up and shouts, "Hellfire, I just haul 'em, I don't tell 'em where to stand!!" They gave him a ticket anyway.