Where's the humor on here?

I recently boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside me.

"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..

"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!

"Tonto," I replied..... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy!

 

Brian bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

So, the next day, the farmer drove up to Brian's house and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”

Brian replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I spent it already.”

Brian said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with a dead horse?”

Brian said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle a dead horse!”

Brian replied, “Sure I can! Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Brian and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Brian said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Brian replied, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

 

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

They told me I had typeA blood, but it was a TypeO.

A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

WHY?:

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
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Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

Ok ... I have more

 

please, no..spare us from all the laughter.

 

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC!
NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100 ... (check with a calculator)

NEXT: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? (WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?)
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DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?
NO, HER NAME IS MARY! (read the question again)

FINAL ONE:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

 

Soooooo, we pulled up to get petrol at the servo.

As I was walking towards the door I noticed a couple of cops watching a woman smoking a cigarette while fueling up. I saw her and thought; "what an idiot".

Anyway, I went inside and paid for my petrol. As I was checking out I heard someone screaming!!! I ran outside to see the woman with her arm on fire! She was waving her arm around like crazy trying to put the fire out when the two cops pushed her to the ground and got it out. When they were done they handcuffed her and started loading her into the police car.

Being the (Forensically minded) concerned citizen that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for, (figuring that catching her arm on fire would be punishment enough for smoking).

One of the cops looked me dead in the eyes and said; "We're arresting her for waving a firearm". *snork snork snork*

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the rear. “Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret, and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” Again, Johnny came to the rescue.This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

“If you stick that d*mn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The nun fainted...