Where's the humor on here?

Frozen Crabs & The Blonde Female Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.....so, she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think they are.

 

I know you have all been waiting for these

• Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

• Passionate kiss, like spider's web, leads to undoing of fly.

• Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

• Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

• Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

• War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

• It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

• Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

ACTUAL WRITINGS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS (my favourite is 18):

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

4. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

8. She is numb from her toes down.

9. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

10. The skin was moist and dry.

11. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

12. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

13. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

14. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

15. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

16. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

17. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

18. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

Stolen from twitter:

 

Just my warped sense of humor. Actual headlines on Yahoo on 7-28-17 One about Los Angeles the other about Philippines Olympic committees.
1.
Philippine Olympic Committee withdraws hosting of the 2019 SEA Games
2.
LA 'would be stupid' not to host 2028 Olympics, says mayor

 

I don't need jokes to laugh in the Philippines. All I have to do is look around. I have seen 7 on a motorcycle, 10 on a tricycle, I saw a guy sitting backwards on a motorbike and carrying an "aircon" on his knees. I have seen people carry a bicycle on a motorcycle. I was in the hospital the first of the week and I tried desperately to get my asawa to carry my "IV" pole with us, with "IV" still attached to me, on the motorcycle when going home but she refused. I wonder if that would have been a "first". I went to the opera once in New York and wore my tuxedo. I was on my way home on Long Island and stopped in Walmart, still in my tux. As I stood in an aisle, a woman rounded the corner, looked at me and stopped dead in her tracks and said, "I can die now!". She would have missed all this that she had never seen in the PI. I got up from a nap yesterday to find my asawa in the yard as shown in the picture below. She didn't like me walking through the tall grass to get to the motorbike so she was "trimming the lawn". Please don't send pics of lawnmowers or weedeaters as she knows nothing of these and I am of Scottish descent and want to keep my lawn cutting expense at a couple of bandages for blisters every two weeks. This is a real actual non posed picture.

 

Hope you are better now.