Where's the humor on here?

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.

So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the f*cking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the d*mn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to jam shut during this whole fiasco.

I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane f****r across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so d*mn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was OK, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.

Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.

On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

Even though this does sound like some bullshit I'd do, I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same.

 

Unfortunately I made a sex tape a while back and apparently it's about to be sent out to family and Facebook friends from my Ex.

So I figured if I own up to it and post it myself, nobody can shed light on it more than need be.

Yes, I am ashamed and you have to be careful these days thinking you can trust people, when you can't.

But I'm human and we all make mistakes.

My sex tape is below; I needed to show it to you first.

I apologize to my family and friends for my stupidity...

 

Welcome to the Philippines hehe

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Husbsnd to his wife: "Mousy, could you please tell me in advance, when you are singing?"
"Why?"
"I was trying to oil the door in the garden since a half hour."

 

Dawson finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was working on his street rod in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all of your tools, welders, the street rod, and that stupid vintage Harley."

Dawson got a horrified look on his face.

"Darling, what's wrong?" she asked.

"There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife," he said.

"Ex-wife! she screamed. You never told me you were married before."

"I wasn't," said Dawson.

 

Job interview...

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

Who sees the "errors" in it?