Where's the humor on here?

If you have Microsoft Picture manager (part of the office package) I can tell you in 3 easy steps...

Rhoody

 

Yes, i do. Thanks in advance

 

Thanks Rhoods for helping Boyette, just got back on.

 

Just for FUn

A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning... he
was eating bread & jam when an American while chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The Pinoy ignores the Kano who,nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Kano: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"

Pinoy (nayayabangan sa Kano): "Of course."

Kano: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.In America, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence.
Still The American persists.

Kano: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Pinoy:"Of Course."

Kano: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In
America we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."

The Pinoy (asar na talaga) asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

Kano: "Why of course we do."

Pinoy (now smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Kano (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."

Pinoy: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to
America.........

 

quickies

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends".


**********************************
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," send me your mother"

*****************************

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
********************************************

 

Polish remover

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American
girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they
got along very well until one day he rushed into a
lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a
divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked
him the following questions:



Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have
a real grudge?

No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stere o and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read,
and it says: "Polish Remover"

 

Pocket Taser

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative??

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

 

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation


Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!

HAPPY FIESTA!!!

 

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw
I am shore your pleas two no
Its let her perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

 

talagang asar ang pinoy no???:D :D