Where's the humor on here?

I was chatting up a Gypsy bird at the Bar last night when she asked if i wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding! I went on the Ferris Wheel, the Dodgems, the Ghost Train... I even came home with a Goldfish!

 

I was at the Doctors earlier today.

She said; “Sir, You are grossly overweight!"

I said; “I want a second opinion,”

She said; “OK then, You're ugly as well!”

 

I hate all this Terrorist Business... I loved the good ol' days when you could look at an unattended Bag or Rucksack on a Train or a Bus, and think to yourself; "I'm gonna take that!"

 

Principal: "Your Son is being Bullied."
Me: "He needs a Sword!"
Principal: "What? No! That would..."
Me: *Pulls out a Sword*
Principal: "Whoa! Hold on! I don't want any problems!"
Me to Son: "See what I mean!"

 

Makes me wonder?

 

Not sure if this belongs in the News Section or the Humor Section? PMSL

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Australian Prime Minister, Scott Morrison's personal website, has been taken over and now plays the Rock Song: "Scotty Doesn't Know"

An internet genius is taking responsibility for claiming the website scottmorrison.com.au after the domain license lapsed overnight.

Instead of displaying information about the prime minister and his policies, the page plays the song about cheating by American band 'Lustra'.

If only he knew someone with an IT Masters to look after things for him... lol

http://www.scottmorrison.com.au/

 

Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.

"You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."

My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.

Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means... all you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.

Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk.

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom.
I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

 

This is such great advice, I wish I had it earlier in life !