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When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a million dollars of her work.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I hope that if I choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes.

 

This is Sergio - another victim of a samsung phone. It didn't explode, but his wife found out the password...

 

The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."