Where's the humor on here?

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO
THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties:
> Very active;
> Highly unstable;
> Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones;
> Violent when left alone;
> Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food,
...... in particular, carbonated fermented wine juice and rare fish eggs;
> Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen;
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands
___________________________________________________________________________

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50
Physical properties:
> Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily;
> Fairly dense and sometimes flaky;
> Difficult to find a pure sample;
> Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:
> Attempts to bond with WO (WOMANIUM) any chance it gets.
> Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
> Becomes explosive when mixed with KD Element (CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize: By saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

The Tale of the Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

"Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and I can't detect any guts. I'd say you must be either a politician or a lawyer, or maybe an estate agent, or possibly part of upper management."

 

One Way to Avoid a Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer : May I see your driver's license ?

Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my ticket for driving while drunk.

Officer : May I see the registration for this vehicle ?

Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer : The car is stolen ?

Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer : There's a gun in the glove box ?

Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde b*tch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer : There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?! ?

Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain : Sir, can I see your license ?

Driver : Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain : Whose car is this ?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain : Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it ?

Driver : Gun ? What gun ? ?

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain : Would you mind opening your trunk ? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver : I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain : I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, And I'll bet the lying S O B told you I was speeding too !!! :D:D

 

Engineers Outlook on Life

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
............... To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.




There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1. Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 

Another ngineer joke

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

:D

 

just brilliant Progmeister... only wish I could remember them....regards john

 

Hey John,

After all, laughter is the best medicine :D

 

The Talking Dog

The Talking Dog

Randy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

Randy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.

Randy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

Randy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"



The Polish owner replies-



"He's such a liar he didn't do any of that sh*t."
_________________

Jim

 

Nice one Jim the clean ones are always the funniest,
thats why I like Ken Dodd!
regards john

 

Giant Beer :D

Anyone thirsty?