Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.
Some original name change I thought up. Referred to as now "The GoneNald"
Back in the classroom
Life lesson ten million!
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this:�What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you
to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: �A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as: �1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K �8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E �1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T �2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far @ss kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G �1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and @ss Kissing that will put you over the top!
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $6,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately, my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8.. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".
So funny (the 'genius' is for Red Skelton, btw!) - I just love the 'electric chair' one. LOL. I keep a few spare pesos ready in case the meter runs out just when I need it.