Where's the humor on here?

Well I don't know what the limits of humour are on this thread so I guess its up to me to start probing the outer boundaries until I get another warning....

A young guy named John gets laid off from work and after a couple of months of looking, just can't seem to find anything. Being behind on his rent, his 84 year old landlady finally knocks on his aprtment door and in a sweet but firm voice says " Johnny I'm very sorry but you owe me so much money for rent now son, I have to ask you to move out by this weekend. I'm sorry son"
"But Mrs Fitzgerald" John protests, "I have nowhere to go, please don't do this to me"
"I'm sorry Johnny, times are tough for both of us" she replies.
"Please Mrs Fitzgerald, I'll do anything you need me to for another month"
A moment passes and then suddenly the old lady gets a smile on her face.
"Johnny, my husband Mr Fitzgerald passed away 33 years ago and I haven't been with a man in so long, I can't hardly remember the splendours of love. If you were to spend a night with me in my bed, I'd give you three months rent." she told him.
"Jeezus Mrs Fitzgerald, I'm not sure I could do that. What if my friends found out" he replied.
"Oh. don't worry Johnny I could keep a secret like that forever boy" Mrs Fitzgerald answered back.
In the end, our young buck John agrees. Later that evening he drinks as much booze as he can to get through the ordeal. He presents himself to the old bag and he is led upstairs to her room. He lies down with her and clamps his eyes shut and tries to imagine something much nicer. With shaking hands he pulls her nightgown down to her waist and begins sucking on one of her breasts. After only a few minutes, a warm liquid starts to ooze from her teat and into Johnnies mouth. John recoils away from her, opens his eyes and exclaims " Jeezus Mrs Fitsgerald, aren't you a little too old to be giving milk ?"
"Yup" his landlady responds "but I'm not too old to have cancer"

 

....Ok Ok....maybe some of us like the really, really sick jokes...its a matter of personal taste.

 

How come Jeffery Dahmer never ate clowns ????
He said they tasted funny.


(For those of you who don't know, Dahmer was a famous American psychopath who ate his victims)

 

An old man goes to his doctors for the results of his tests. The doctor sits him down and says " Mr. Smith I'm afraid, Ive got two very bad pieces of news for you"
"What's that" Mr Smith answers.
"Well" say the Doc " You've got cancer. Furthermore you've got Alzheimmers disease"
Mr Smith sits up straight and snaps back " Well thank Christ I don't have cancer".

 

A guy gets called into his Doctors office to discuss some test results. "The doctor has a rather nuetral look on his face but keeps darting his eyes out the door to a vivacious nurse in the hall.
" Mr Jacobs, I've got some very bad news and some trully wonderful news. I'll give you the bad first. You have an inoperable brain tumor. I'd be very much surprised if you were still alive a month from now"
Jacobs is just devistated. Tears well up in his eyes as he stares at the ground. He finally raises his head in bewilderment and says "Well what could possibly be the wonderful news ?"
"See that gorgeous nurse over there ?" the doctor nods in the direction of the tart.
"yes" squeaks Jacobs through his sobs.
"We just started sleeping together last night" smiles the Doc.

 

He was a gaynibal (gay cannibal)

 

The punishment :D

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.



Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

Caution: Sitting down may cause your erection to announce its presence. :D

 

Street crossing in Esquel, Argentina. We were there in January so we didn't know which way to turn. :D