Where's the humor on here?

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f*ckin stop doin it then, ya evil b@st@rd!'

 

Teamwork :D

 

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin'.

'Not a problem', replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went'.


It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress and the poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and made love to me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good'?

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

 

Two pedophiles are standing on a street corner one day. A little 9 year old girl walks by and the two pedos giver her the eye. One says to the other "Boy, i'll bet you she was something in her day !!"

 

Ok...this is guaranteed to get me a warning, kicked off or , at least, a "That's disgusting !!" comment.

A pedophile is leading this 5 year old out into the bushes. Its getting dark and also starting to rain. The littl girl looks up at him and says "I'm getting scared". The pedo looks back at her and says "You think you're scared ? An hour from now, I have to find my way out of here by myself !!"

 

I almost had a decent clean one....
How was copper wire invented ?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

....but then I realized there are no pennies except in Canada and the USa...sorry
Its our smallest denomination currency, a coin and made out of copper.

 

A young Pinay goes into her doctors office with a look of great distress on her face. "Doctor" she begins to sob "I'm pregnant but I can't have this baby. Please can you get me an abortion". The doctor almost reflexively says "You know abortion is illegal here in the Philippines. I think its immoral myself too !! There's no way !!" His patient begins to cry uncontrollably. After a few minutes of trying to console her, he says "I've got an idea. Carry the baby to term and I'll deliver it for you at the hospital. I'll tell another female patient who is coming out of surgery that there was a mistake and that, in fact, she was preganant and had a baby."
The girl thinks for a moment and having no other option she agrees. Six months later her embarrassed mother, who had so well hidden her daughter's baby bump, rushes her into the hospital. Three hours later the doctor delivers the baby but, much to his horror, the only other patient in the hospital is a catholic priest who is soon to be recovering from the anaesthetic used in his surgery.

The doctor thinks intensely and then mumbles underneath his breath to himself "Its worth a shot".
The priest opens his eyes and sees the doctor cradling this tiny newborn in his hands. "Praise God !!" The doctor exclaims "It's a miracle Father, You've had a baby !!" After some further work by the Doctor in massaging the facts and inventing some medical phenomena for the priest, the clergyman accepts his fate and takes the baby boy home with him.

30 years later....
The priest is lying in his death bed at the same hospital. His "son" is by his bedside. The priest in his last few moments on earth starts to cry softly. "Son" he says, "I have something to confess to you"
"What is it father ?" answers the son.
"All my life I've been lying to you. Remember that I've always told you that I am your father, well I lied. I'm your mother, the Bishop is your father".

 

Fortune cookie

 

Bomb technician

 

Where'd she go?