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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. OP
    OP
    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    From the ssame joke page.

    A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.
    The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

    The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

    The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that d*mn jar opened!"
    :smile:
     
  2. West Coast Hokies

    West Coast Hokies DI Forum Adept

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    Thanks!! Nice way to start the morning with a :D

    Here's another one ...dedicated to all golfers out there:

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
    consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
    have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
    with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
    something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
    second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
    you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
    to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
    time.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
    and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this d*mn
    hole."
     
  3. richard

    richard DI Junior Member

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    hoho

    Q... What Is Horse Sense???

    A... It's What Keeps Horses From Betting On People..:d
     
  4. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Lesson's

    Lesson's to live by!




    Lesson One
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
    the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my bottom like you and do
    nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a
    sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Management Lessons:
    To be sitting on your bottom and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high
    up.


    Lesson Two
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
    top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the
    bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough
    strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
    some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
    he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted
    by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Management Lesson:
    Bull poo might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


    Lesson Three
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
    froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
    cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
    the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was the dung was
    actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
    to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
    investigate. Following the sound, the c at discovered the bird under the
    pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Management Lessons:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of poo is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

    This ends your two-minute management course
     
  5. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
    Chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

    "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

    The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
    Chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
    Old hens over in the corner?"

    The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."

    The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
    The farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
    Chicken coop."

    The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
    Just to
    Be fair, I will give you a head start."

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
    Takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
    The young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
    Rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual
    Spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his
    Shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

    The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I
    Bought this month."

    Moral of this story?

    Don't mess with OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
    Overcome youth and arrogance!
     
  6. Decon_phils

    Decon_phils DI Member

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    Top 10 Things Not To Say To The Cop Pulling You Over




    10) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

    9) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me... Good job!

    8) Are You Andy or Barney?

    7) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

    6) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    5) I pay your salary!

    4) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

    3) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

    2) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"




    And the NUMBER 1 thing not to say to the officer pulling you over is...
    1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.



    Seeye guys on the highway
    Ryan
     
  7. Decon_phils

    Decon_phils DI Member

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    Some of the alcohol warning labels proposed by the FDA.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *sshole.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named BRUNO.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.


    Take care

    Ryan
     
  8. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Learning Chinese

    This looks easier than Spanish. I think I will switch. With the global economy so heavily dependent on China, it's imperative
    that all of us begin learning to speak Chinese.
    > Here are some beginning phrases:
    > Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

    > English
    > Chinese

    > That's not right
    > Sum Ting Wong

    > Are you harboring a fugitive?
    > Hu Yu Hai Ding

    > See me ASAP
    > Kum Hia Nao

    > Stupid Man
    > Dum Fuk

    > Small Horse
    > Tai Ni Po Ni

    > Did you go to the beach?
    > Wai Yu So Tan

    > I bumped into a coffee table
    > Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

    > I think you need a face lift
    > Chin Tu Fat

    > It's very dark in here
    > Wai So Dim

    > I thought you were on a diet
    > Wai Yu Mun Ching

    > this is a tow away zone
    > No Pah King

    > Our meeting is scheduled for next week
    > Wai Yu Kum Nao

    > Staying out of sight
    > Lei Ying Lo

    > He's cleaning his automobile
    > Wa Shing Ka

    > Your body odor is offensive
    > Yu Stin Ki Pu

    > Great
    > Fa Kin Su Pa
    Jim
     
  9. Swany

    Swany DI Senior Member

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    Very good jimeve, now you can communicate with the chinese. :smile:
     
  10. Nirox

    Nirox DI Junior Member

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    bok bok bok :D
     

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