Where's the humor on here?

Dreaming of a green christmas

 

Why you should never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

 

Children Are Smart!

Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves:

1.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

2.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

3.
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

4.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

5.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

6.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

7.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.

8.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

9.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

10.
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

11.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

 

Extra large :D

 

Lest you forget

 

Nemo sushi :D

 

Built like a tank

 

He will find you...

 

If taglines were honest :D

iPod: It’ll break in a year, but by then you’ll want the new one.

Apple: You think you need it, we know you just want it.

Panasonic: Didn’t you mean to buy Sony?

Ikea: One day you’ll be able to afford real furniture.

Hummer: Get the attention you’ve always craved. While filling up the gas tank again.

Taco Bell: You’re drunk and we’re still open.

Zipcar: So convenient that you’ll ignore the high rates AND the dog hair.

Southwest Airlines: On your marks, get set, find a seat!

UHaul: We don’t guarantee availability because we can get away with it.

PopTarts: Until you realize how disgusting they are, we’ll keep making them.

Ben and Jerry’s: Whoah, dude, did you eat that whole thing?

Krispy Kreme: Less filling, just as fattening.

McDonalds: Always a good idea. Until afterwards.

Starbucks: Long lines, high prices and the best legal high available.

 

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part Ii

1. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
2. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
3. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
4. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
6. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
8. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
9. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
10. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
11. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the bread.
12. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
14. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
18. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch
up.
20. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
21. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
21. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
23. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
24. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
25. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
26. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you