Where's the humor on here?

Sharp Old Man

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

World's best quotes about sex

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
- Tom Clancy

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
- Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
- Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
- Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
- Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
- Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
- George Burns

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
- George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
- Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.”
- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.”
- Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady - and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
- Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
- Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
- Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
- Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
- Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
- Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
- Robin Williams

:D:D:D

 

A long list of short one

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Paul's".

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. .....Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL: Using both hands

 

Watchoo lookin' at?!!

 

There's room for a couple more...

 

Fun at the rally

 

Enlarge...your face :D

 

Secret message

 

Just a thought...

 

Chilled-out rabbits