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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Little Johnny

    >>Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
    >>without ears.
    >>When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was
    >>invited over to see the baby.
    >>Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
    >>explained that the baby had no ears.
    >>His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
    >>baby's missing ears Or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking
    >>his life when
    >>they came back home.
    >>Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
    >>When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
    >>The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
    >>Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, A
    >>cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
    >>Can he see?"
    >>"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
    >>20/20 vision."
    >>"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed
    >>glasses.:D Jim
  2. West Coast Hokies

    West Coast Hokies DI Forum Adept

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    A funny example of an old childhood game.

    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.":D
  3. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Don't Put Grandma on the Stand

    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

    "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
  4. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Watch what you say

    "Hi honey.This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

    After a brief pause,

    Daddy says,
    "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

    "Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

    Brief Pause.

    "Uh, okay then,
    this is what I want you to do.

    Put the phone
    down on the table,
    run upstairs
    and knock on the bedroom door
    and shout to Mommy
    that Daddy's car
    just pulled into the driveway."

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
    "I did it Daddy"

    "And what happened honey?" he asked
    "Well, Mommy got all scared,
    jumped out of bed
    with no clothes on
    and ran around screaming.

    Then she tripped over the rug,
    hit her head on the dresser
    and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "Oh my God!!!

    What about your Uncle Paul?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no! clothes on, too.
    He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
    and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
    that you took out the water last week to clean it.

    He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

    ***Long Pause***

    ***Even Longer Pause***

    Then Daddy says,
    "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
  5. West Coast Hokies

    West Coast Hokies DI Forum Adept

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    Saying the right thing...

    Worth the read....

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Friday afternoon Happy Hour. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
    lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, " Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time . .

  6. Swany

    Swany DI Senior Member

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    HAHAHA! Because of you calling the wrong number, the wrong people died fearing her husband will soon discover she's having an affair...with "uncle
    Paul". Funny but tragic. :smile: :(
  7. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
    down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
    hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
    the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
    be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
    move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  8. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Last Flight

    On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
    The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to
    worse, when one wing is struck by lightning.

    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

    "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells,"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

    Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like a WOMAN?"

    For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has
    forgotten his or her own peril.

    They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear
    of the plane.

    He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

    He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time........

    No one moves.................

    He removes his shirt................

    Muscles ripple across his chest..........

    She gasps................................

    He whispers..................

    "Iron this... then get me a beer."
  9. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Older People's Sense Of Humor

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
    have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
    meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
    lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
    diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
    long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
    water. But there is one thing that is the most
    dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
    Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
    the most grief and suffering for years after eating
    it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
    man in the front row raised his hand, and softly
    said, "Wedding Cake."

    An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by
    plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a
    few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on
    bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
    customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly
    gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
    "Then you should know enough to have your passport
    ready." The American said, "The last time I was
    here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible.
    Americans always have to show their passports on
    arrival in France!" The American senior gave the
    Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
    explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
    on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I
    couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows
    up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly
    beautiful and very saxy 25 year- old blonde who
    knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sax
    appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and
    listens intently to his every word. His buddies at
    the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
    they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the
    trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's
    my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So,
    how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied
    about my age", Bob replies "What, did you tell her
    you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told
    her I was 90."

    A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus
    through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a
    young guide led them through the process of cheese
    making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
    showed the group a lively hillside where many goats
    were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older
    goats put out to pasture when they no longer
    produce." ; She then asked, "What do you do in
    America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman
    answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
  10. OP

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Talking Frog

    A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his
    boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

    He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

    The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me
    and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

    Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh..., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
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