Where's the humor on here?

a pack of tissues. yes, it is.

 

naming a toothpaste “usage” is like naming a feminine hygiene kit “mileage.” I will now read through my hate mail.

 

I think we all care our babies. :D

 

I don’t even know where to begin. it feels like someone trying to hack into my brain.

 

let’s just capitALIZE parts of words for EMPHAsis. :D

 

Ever wanted to learn chinese but it was just to hard? Well, here are a few phrases you can use to get you through the day.

 

Another Racist Joke


On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by,
as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce
them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless
ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and
started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor
store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism;
how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how
sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer
than they do; how her relationship with her mother is
improving and how at least the taxes are low and it
isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy
after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't
having any fun.

:D :D

 

And Another One

This Jewish guy goes into a bar, and there's a Chinese gentleman
sitting at the counter. The Jewish guy goes up, whales off and
punches the Chinese guy, knocking him to the floor.

The Jewish guy stands over the Chinese guy and says, "That's for
Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy looks up and says, "But I'm Chinese! The Japanese
attacked Pearl Harbor!"

"Chinese? Japanese? What's the difference?"

So the Chinese guy gets up and walks out without saying another word.

The next day the Chinese guy goes into the same bar and sees the same
Jewish guy sitting at the counter. So the Chinese guy goes up and
punches the Jewish guy, knocking him on the floor.

The Chinese guy stands over the Jewish guy and says, "That's for the
sinking of the Titanic!"

The Jewish guy says, "But I had nothing to do with the sinking of the
Titanic! Neither did any of my family!"

"Goldberg? Iceberg? What's the difference?"

:D :D

 

Why dogs bite their owners

 

Logic and the English language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?



Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation
It ends.

:D