Where's the humor on here?

QUESTION: What's the difference between a hunter and a husband?
ANS: A hunter MISSES his TARGET; a husband TARGETS his MISIS. :D

 

How NOT to take a photo

 

Restroom Poetry

Found in restrooms around the US:

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your *sshole is in Washington.
* Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
* Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, 'How high are you?' it's 'Hi, how are you?'
* Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. * Bentley's House of Coffee and
Tea, Tucson, Arizona

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, New York

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if He had invested?
* Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix,AZ.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky.
:D

 

Famous Quotations
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
:D

 

The Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and p*ss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could p*ss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

Morning glory :D

 

Mc Waddle's

 

No Hanging

 

Yep, he does

 

Yes it does