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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

    Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with ?10 notes. He guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

    Well, you pay ?10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

    Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the ?10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

    Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

    The man is stunned. "I know I paid my ?10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,and then do those other things..."

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks
    Where ez zat tequila?"
    He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

    Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.

    silence.

    Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.





    "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" Cheers Jim
     
  2. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    POSTMAN PAT JOKE
    It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
    mail through all kinds of weather to the same village.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
    family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for his
    years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for ?100.

    The second house gave him a case of fine 20 year old Scotch whisky.

    The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete
    with all reels and tackle.

    At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a
    revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the
    door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
    with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced. When he
    couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a giant
    breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly brewed tea. She
    brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in bed.

    After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she was
    pouring he noticed a ?5 note sticking out from under the cup.

    "All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the fiver
    for?"

    "Well", she said, "last night I told my husband that today was your last
    day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to
    give you"

    He said, 'F **k him. Give him a fiver.'

    "The breakfast was my idea."
    cheers Jim
     
  3. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

    They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride
    Jim :D
     
  4. atlargex

    atlargex DI Forum Adept

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    A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

    Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

    Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

    The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

    The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
     
  5. West Coast Hokies

    West Coast Hokies DI Forum Adept

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    Good One, atlargex!!!:D
     
  6. OP
    OP
    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    MY Kid?

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive Woman waving at him. She says hello.. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,

    "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
     
  7. TUYOM

    TUYOM DI Member

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    oh my goodness:o :D
     
  8. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    First time

    > First time sex
    > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
    > dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
    > announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
    > and make love for the first time .
    >
    > The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
    > to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
    > first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
    > He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    > At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
    > to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
    > The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
    > busy, it being his first time and all.
    >
    > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
    > girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
    > come on in!"
    > The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
    > parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
    > head.
    > A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
    > down.
    > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
    > Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
    > and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
    > The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
    > pharmacist."
    >
    > If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person you have a bad sense of
    > humor !!
    Jim:D
     
  9. Chloe

    Chloe DI Member

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    :D :D very funny Jim:D
     
  10. Digos

    Digos DI New Member

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    Great!!!!!!
     
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