Where's the humor on here?

VOTED FUNNIEST JOKE IN IRELAND
An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
:D

 

I knew my english wan't perfect, but if this joke has been voted as the funniest one you need to help me a bit to get the clue, Prog.
"it will take the contagious" ...which other meaning for contagious needs to be understood here ?
By the way...it seems you're the only provider of humor since some time now.
Keep it going mate :D

 

I PMed you the answer Jellyfish. No worries mate, I'll keep 'em comin' :D

 

What lobsters do when they're bored

 

No Joke

Where did the white man go wrong?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

Alaska State Troopers

Two Alaska State Troopers went bear hunting. They came to a fork in the road that had a sign that read, "Bear Left." So they turned around and went home.

 

What's the difference?

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope, and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime, and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem....”

 

OH sh*t!

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started using bad language." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with @ss in it". The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." W-Ha-CK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his @ss with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat @ss it won't be Cheerios!"

 

An Amish boy and his father

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

Who the hell is this?

It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don’t know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."