Where's the humor on here?

Boy racer

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

 

Low bridge

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read

" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it...
Cars are backed up for miles...

Finally, a police car comes up...
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said
to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"

 

Final exam

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand!"
:D

 

Sticky First Date

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!



She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

 

Cheep home security system

1. Go to the thrift shop and buy a pair of men's
Work Boots size 14-16 (used).

2. Place them on front porch, along with a copy of
Guns'n'Ammo Magazine.

3. Set a few large dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hay Bubba,

"Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I gone for more ammunition.
Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better just wait outside until we can get back."

Cooter

 

A few Irish jokes as it's coming close to St patricks day

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!




"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God d*mn it, there goes another one!!!"

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"


There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

 

What is the difference between a woman and a bicycle?

 

Two Old Geezers

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.

After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel. The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs
And Take Care Of Their Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says,
'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.'

His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse. I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

'a Witch ??. . Why Would You Say That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite,then She Farted And Flew Out The Window...
Took My Teeth With Her!'

 

Redneck Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.

'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'

 

Girls night out!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I
told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I
got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.