Where's the humor on here?

What were you thinking of?

 

Puppy


Three pregnant women (an Essex girl, a Surrey girl and a Sussex girl) are discussing the facts of life.

The Surrey girl declares, "I'm going to have a boy". "How do you know?", asks the Essex girl.

"Well, I was on the bottom when we did it and so its going to be a boy", replied the Surrey girl.

The Sussex girl replies, "If that's the case, my child is a girl because I was on top".

The Essex girl then starts bawling, "Then I'm going to have a puppy".

 

Self-explanatory :D

 

good one Prog !

For that you have to come from exsex :D

 

Cheers Jellyfish :D I used to go over quite a bit when I was based in England.
Here's another one for you :D

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a phing" she says,tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.He asks,

"How many fingers have I got up?"

"Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an' all!!!"

 

Watch out for the old man

All Seniors aren't Senile!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.


He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.


The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know, let me tell you about my weekend!' said the old man, with a grin so big it could be seen over the phone line.

 

Is this only in America?

Three Government Contractors:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from
Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job
will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit
for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

Paddy is drunk again

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more Paddy.'

Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
d*mn!' he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get
to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.. I'm soused,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
craw ls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No flapping way.' But
he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I think I
can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his
face again He says, 'This is hell. I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to
crawl to the bed and falls in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and
says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally p*ss faced. But how'd you know?

''Mick called..... You left your wheelchair at the pub, again.

 

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane .

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free",
she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches
and I walked out the door.

............... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,
"Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a w eek." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF
ALL...................................they VOTE!

 

Mom's A Stripper

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"
"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids ."