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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Old Age Symptoms

    When you like to be in a crowd because
    they keep you from falling down.

    When the parts with arthritis
    are the parts that feel the best.

    When your favorite section of the newspaper
    is "25 Years Ago today."

    When a big evening with your friends
    is sitting around comparing living wills.

    When your knees buckle but your belt won't.

    When your clothes go into your overnight bag
    so you can fill your suitcase with pills.

    When somebody you consider
    an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

    When your idea of a change of scenery
    is looking to the right or left.

    When your back goes out more than you do.

    When you want to be nostalgic
    and you can't remember anything.

    When you don't care where your spouse goes,
    as long as you don't have to go along.

    When it takes longer to rest
    than get tired.

    When getting "a little action" means
    you don't have to take a laxative.

    There are three signs of old age.
    The first is your loss of memory,
    the other two I forget.

    :wink: Jim
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Blond Joke

    The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, just jumping for joy!

    I didn't know why she was so happy, but I
    thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

    She said, "I have some really great news!"

    I said, "Great! Tell me why you're so happy."

    She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping, told me that she was pregnant!

    I knew that she had been trying for a while, so I
    told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

    Then she said, "There's more!"

    I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

    She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

    Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how
    she knew.

    (You're going to love this!)

    She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
    :wink:
     
  3. atlargex

    atlargex DI Forum Adept

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    A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

    The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

    After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

    The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Blonde's Car

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases
    it over onto the shoulder of the road.
    She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two
    cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
    vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
    The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
    bodies to approaching drivers.
    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't
    very long before a police car arrives.
    The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
    vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly."
    "Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
    by the road?!" asks the Officer..."
    "Hellll-looo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied."

    :wink:
     
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    grandpainak

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    Drug Store Joke

    A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

    :wink:
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Skinny Dipping

    An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

    Old men can still think fast.

    :wink:
     
  7. Mike Young

    Mike Young DI New Member

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    beautiful joke, salamat

    ...truly representative of the city of smiling, gentle people...M.Young
     
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    grandpainak

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    Nymphomaniacs of America Convention

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
    settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful
    woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was
    heading straight towards his seat. As fate would
    have it, she took the seat right beside his.

    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
    "Business trip or pleasure?"


    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
    to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in
    Boston."


    He swallowed hard. Here was the most beautiful woman
    he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was
    going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.


    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
    asked, "What's your business role at this
    convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use
    information that I have learned from my personal
    experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
    about sexuality."

    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are
    there?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
    African-American men are the most well-endowed of
    all men, when in fact it is the Native American
    Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

    "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
    lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
    are the best."


    "I have also discovered that the lover with
    absolutely the best stamina is the Southern
    Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
    blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't
    really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
    even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my
    friends call me Bubba."

    :D
     
  9. pickled_newt

    pickled_newt DI Forum Patron

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    Funny Bubba :D
    Thanks for sharing granpainak,nice to have some humour in this forum.
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    A Military Joke

    An older Army general recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical. Before he began, the doctor asked the old general the standard questions - age, height, weight. Then the army doc asked when was the last time the general had sexual relations.

    "Oh," the general mused, "It was 1955."

    "Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

    The general replied, "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

    :smile:
     
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