Where's the humor on here?

confusuos say

Man who eat lotsa beans will leave huge carbon foot print.

 

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea.
I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?' asked Bill.

'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.'

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into Arkey Blues Silver Dollar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,

'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'

Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.' They then order a couple of beers from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old rancher comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over 'Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'It's just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

 

The Preacher

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was
to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or
friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost
his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour
late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under
a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and
found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and
read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the
workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

 

The Preacher Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. A bible. 2. A silver dollar. <
/PRE>3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

 

What is Politics?

"To ERR is human. To blame it on others is POLITICS."

 

Sttick it out

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his peenis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom !" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

the only one standing...

 

TAGALOG PO ITO:

Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister: Guni-guni!

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

***
Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.


***
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala...
Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ...
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

 

LOL, I was not on that thread for a long time, now I read since 1 hour and laugh and smile. Thank you all guys

Maryfee

 

I'm not sure if this joke has been published here earlier:

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."