Where's the humor on here?

Which one are you? :D

 

Sons that make their parents proud

 

Pearly Gates

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either."

"Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

:D

 

Tommy

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

 

Cigarettes

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. The husband walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of drinks and one thing leads to another. Sometime thereafter, they end up back at the woman's apartment.

One thing leads to another and the next thing the man knows, it's 3 o'clock in the morning. "Oh no!" says the man, "It's really late... my wife's going to kill me. Hey, do you have any talcum powder?"

Curious, the woman reluctantly hands the man some talcum powder. He proceeds to rub the powder on his hands and then rushes out the woman's apartment for home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is rather upset, to say the least. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. Well, I met this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks together. Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended back at her place."

"Oh, really?" says the wife, sarcastically. "Let me see your hands!"

He raises his hands and, sure enough, she notices that his hands are covered with powder.

"Liar!! You went bowling again!"

:D

 

Jesus is watching you

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

 

The cowboy

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, d*mn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
:D :D :D

 

Tickets, please

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

 

Old man

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You d*mn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You d*mn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a p*ssy willow."

Old man says, "I'll get my hat."

:D :D :D :D :D

 

One rule

Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.

The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"