Where's the humor on here?

Dead frog

A Kindergarten teacher had a student approach her and saying that he found a frog lying still on the playground.

The teacher asked, "Well, is it dead or alive?"

The student said, "I think it's dead."

The teacher asked, "How do you know?"

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear".

The teacher said "YOU WHAT?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

 

Cheektowaga

Two tourists were driving through Western New York. As they were approaching Cheektowaga, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde waitress; "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are?very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrr, Kiiiiiinnnnng."

 

Lingerie

At Frederick's of Hollywood, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $220," says the saleswoman, showing an item. "I want one that's more sheer", says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
:D :D :D

 

The Chase

A middle-aged man was racing down I-5 when a CHP patrolman began a high speed pursuit. After an hour of racing in and out of lanes at speeds in excess of 100 MPH, the CHP finally got the man to pull over.

The cop tapped his ring on the window and motioned for the man to lower the side window, when he did he simply said, "Apparently, we are both having a really bad day, so if you can make me laugh I will let you go, otherwise, it's jail for you".

The man rubbed his chin and said, "Well, three days ago my wife left me for one of you guys and I thought you were trying to bring her back." He received no ticket.

 

Gorilla

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

 

Gentlemen's Club

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.

He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute...then the banker in me took over....

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

 

Dog in heat

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

Jill

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

Jill Revisited

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!
:D

G'nyt folks!!!

 

i first heard this joke about 2 pakistani doctors in a lift at a gynocology clinic and a young doctor come in and corrects them, but i can't be bothered typing it, so here a cut an paste varient of it -

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"