Where's the humor on here?

Hey Progmeister! You've been away! Welcome back. Thanks, I really enjoyed the photos especially. That little guy hunting inside the fridge is a hoot! And what a collection of jokes you've posted. Thanks sooooo much.:D

 

Hi Mam A, I do check in from time to time just to see if there are any interesting things to read. Glad you had a laugh :D
Here's another one for you...

Pontiff

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

:D :D :D

 

Welcome back Proggy
How was your summer sleep ? :D

 

Hey Jelly:D I wish I was sleeping. Been kept busy but not too busy to post this...

Preacher

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the race.

However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day, the racing form carried this headline:

Preacher's @ss Shows

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the races again. This time he won and the form read:

Preacher's @ss Out in Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day:

Bishop Scratches Preacher's @ss

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:

Nun Has Best @ss in Town

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The next day's headlines stated:

Nun Peddled @ss For Ten Bucks

They buried the Bishop the next day.

:D :D

 

I have got to share this one.

Several passangers on a long cross-country flight were amused to discover that several celebrities were on board, Madonna, Hillary Clinton, President Bush and the Pope. Unfortunately during the flight the aircraft encountered too much turbulance and all of the passangers became alarmed about their safety. It was not too long before the captain had to make an announcement to fasten all seat belts and to prepare for a crash landing. Of course the planes celebrities were extremely alarmed and concerned escpecially when the Planes captain told them that there were only 3 parachutes and the four celebs would have to justify who would get them. Suddenly Madonna stood up and explained that she was the most famous celebrity among them and that she was too young to die, so she ran to the pilots station, grabbed a parachute and jumped out the door. Next Hillary Clinton started to explain that she was going to be the next President of the United States and therefore she could not die and let all of her voters down, so she ran to the pilots station, grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Not to be out done, President Bush jumped up, exclaimed that he was the President of the United States and not only that but that he was the smartest President who ever lived and therefore did not deserve to die. He ran down the cabin isle, grabbed a parachute and also jumped out of the plane. With all of the parachutes taken the Pope said to those near him "let us prepare to meet our maker" when a little boy next to him said, "don't worry sir, were not going to die, the smartest President of the United States just grabbed my backpack and jumped out of the door with it."

 

Bush joke

President Bush is receiving his daily briefing on Iraq when he learns of the death of three Brazilian soldiers.

“Oh Jesus, Lord No! That’s terrible!” he exclaims, as he dispairingly catches his head in his hands.

The President’s uncommon emotional display leaves his staff stunned, and not knowing how to react to their Commander in Chief’s disproportionate reaction, they await quietly while he regains his composure.

Finally, the most powerful man in the world takes a few considered breaths, straightens his hair and looks to his top aide for confirmation; carefully and precisely he asks… “How many is a brazillion?”

Jim.

 

Lost Cat

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b233/oltex1943/misc/untitled-2-1.jpg

 

Funny Tombstones

A good tombstone is considered to be one that is memorable, beautiful, or at least makes you think... :D

 

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.
Click "Begin"

 

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle MeElmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles .