Where's the humor on here?

Some people ask the secret my long term happy relationship to my Filipina girlfriend.

The answer is very easy:
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, barhopping, soft music and dancing, a nice hotel room, a shower and all that kind of things.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

McDonald's new breakfast deal

In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
McDonald's is offering a new breakfast meal:

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage,

and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

 

The 10 Inch Bic

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. ? Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie...

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks.... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 

I am not very good with creating these really hilarious stories but am good with laughing and with that expel unwanted gas hahaha. How refreshing and healing too. Thanks so much for humor and also for sense of humor.

 

signs of times

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signs of times 2

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Ferrari V Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'what kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'a Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!', states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'that's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes. So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers:
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs..

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

Blonde and the lotto

It seems this blonde was having financial problerms, her business was failing and she needed help. She prayed to God for help by winning the lottery.
The drawing came and she lost, her business failed and she lost it.
Again she prayed God help me win the lottery so I can make it, they are about to reposses my house.
The drawing came and again she lost.
Her house was repossesed.
She prayed again for help as they were about to reposses her auto, God help me win the lottery.
Once again the drawing and again she lost.
She prayed again ferverently" God why have you not answered my plea for help, I have lost my business, my home, and now my car."

A voice boomed from Heaven 'Work with me on this, BUY a ticket'

 

The Blonde Who Married A Catholic

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?'