Where's the humor on here?

A woman goes into a department store and asks the assistant, "how much is that TV?" to her surprise, he replied, "we don't sell them to blondes!"

Her being totally shocked by this, rushes out of the store, straight to the hairdressers, and requests a colour change to Brown, after this she returns to the store, and asks the same question... "how much is that TV?" to her surprise, he replied, "we don't sell them to blondes!" so shocked again she returns the the hairdressers and demands black hair.

she promptly returns to the store and asks..."how much is that TV?" to her surprise, he replied again, "we don't sell them to blondes!"

absolutely infuriated she demands to know how the sales man knows she's a blonde, even after the colour changes to her hair? and why they don't sell to blondes?.... he replies, well madam, we don't sell to Blondes for their own protection, she has a puzzelled look on her face and just as she's about to ask, "protection from what?" he says.... "cos that TV is actually a ............. microwave!"

 

Three Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, d*mn, someone should go and tell his wife. Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow'. She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive Stuff.

 

BABALA: tagalog po ito

Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng:

ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are

Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit ang alphabet:

ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well

Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap... Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ.

Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
sinulat ang:

XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!

----

FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.

"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries" order ni FVR sa ingles.

"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.

"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.

-----

GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called
a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?

Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!

Di anser is "asociation" .

--------

BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?"

"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"

-------

ANONG GATAS?

"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."

--------

ALLEGATIONS

In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.

---------------

SAVE

FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.

It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earthquake! ". The people watching the execution panicked.

She was able to escape.

Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

Erap shouted: "Fire!".

--------

ANOTHER EXAMPLE

Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am!
Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: Another Carabao?

-------

TESTING

As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light (as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......

---------
KAMUKHA DAW

Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.

THE WIFE

Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
"I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."

CEASEFIRE

ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tama na! Tuloy ang giyera.

AIR PRESSURE

Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.

"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni

Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.

PASALOAD

ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext. ~ LOI: (P2 send) ~
ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks! ~
LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!! ~
ERAP: ok!

INFORMATION

Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco ?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).

*HAVE A NICE DAy!

 

Btv

BTV (before television) the old Bob Hope radio show used to get cut off the air occasionally for the content of their jokes. One night Hope said to his sidekick, Jerry Colonna: "Hey Colonna, what's the difference between an egg and a blonde?" Colonna shot back: "I donno Hope, I never laid an egg." That was followed by silence and then somber organ music for the rest of the show.

 

Churchill Downs

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wee
to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be
in the 4th grade."

No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race.

 

Last words

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

 

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

Talk like a frog

A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa replied, "What? I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "Come on, Grandpa. Talk like a frog, please." Grandpa again said, "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later, the little boy's sister came in and said, "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?" Grandpa, of course, replied, "NO!"

The little girl then begged, "Please, Grandpa will you talk just like a frog?"

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and asked, "What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her Grandpa and said, "Well, last night daddy told us that when you croak, we're going to go to Disney World."

 

Best door mat ever :D

 

A very green car