Where's the humor on here?

The Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead!”

 

Dumb Game Warden

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The man replied, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden said.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish into the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man asked.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” the man asked.

 

farm pay?

The American Farmer and Business Owner
A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer

 

this was great!!!!

Jerry.

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all'.

'They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

 

I am trying to find that thread 'you know you are in duma when;' or something similar it was one of the funniest threads here, anybody able to dig it up?

 

http://www.dumagueteinfo.com/board/...-if-2094.html?highlight=you+know+your+in+duma


I think this is it..


Jerry.

 

thanks bro

 

:D Doctors vs. Gun Owners


Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.


Now think about this:
Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner is
.000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.


We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!
:D
Jerry.

 

An elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?”
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing;
I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.”
“Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.”